As a diamond is formed over a long period of time by intense heat and pressure, so are spouses shaped through the journey of marriage. It is no small thing that one of the primary symbols of married life is the diamond, worn on so many fingers. The diamond itself begins as nothing more than weak charcoal, a substance that soils the hand. Yet, subjected to intense heat and pressure over time, what was once weak and dirty transforms into the hardest naturally occurring mineral known to humankind… and the most beautiful gem.
I remember, as a child, learning that diamonds were used on drill bits. This revelation shocked me because I knew my mother had a diamond on her ring, and I couldn’t imagine something so beautiful being used for something so mundane. Yet, intense heat and pressure forms a nearly perfect molecular bond, making a diamond not only beautiful, but strong. In the same way, marriage transforms two individuals, refining them into beautiful children of God through the gift of this sacred union. Marriage is the proper context for forming two weak individuals into something greater. Like a diamond, this process takes time and requires intense heat and pressure.
The “heat” of marriage is love—the context that calls two people into a lifelong commitment. On their wedding day, love takes center stage, “I take you to be my husband… I take you to be my wife,” professing vows for life, love, and the gift of children. This public commitment marks the beginning of a permanent relationship intended to last until death. This love, when genuine, continues to bear fruit throughout their lives together. I firmly believe that, on the day of their wedding, a couple’s love should be at its least point of a couple’s married life. True married love must grow deeper with each passing day and year. Marriage isn’t a sacrament of a past promise but a daily reality that enables two to become better spouses and parents. It is the heat of love that propels spouses toward greater holiness and self-sacrifice each day.
As a side note, I am concerned that many young people do not take engagement seriously enough. Often, engaged couples act as though they are already married, treating engagement as merely a prelude to the wedding rather than a time of discernment. Two people who are engaged are not necessarily supposed to get married. Rather, engagement is meant to be a period of deep reflection, during which two people ask probing questions. Without honesty during this time, unresolved issues can resurface later, causing difficulties in the marriage. However, if approached sincerely, engagement can lay the foundation for success.
If “heat” is love, then “pressure” is the demand for forgiveness. Marriage is the “performance art of forgiveness.” Marriage is the primary place where one learns to forgive “seven times seventy times”. If you were to ask couples married for 65 years how they endured for so long, they would likely admit that at some point, they saw the worst in each other but chose to stay. This is the purpose of a vow. One vows to never give up. Just like pressure keeps something from breaking apart, forgiveness keeps a relationship from breaking apart.
Forgiveness, however, is not a license to ignore the need for change. Both spouses are called to undergo sincere conversion, striving to improve for the sake of their partner. It is not enough to simply be forgiven; we must also recognize our faults and make the necessary changes.
And yet, there must be prudence in setting expectations for spouses. Setting expectations too high can crush a spouse under impossible standards, while setting them too low can allow harmful behaviors to persist. Patience and time are key, allowing all people in a family to grow and improve gradually.
This principle of love, forgiveness, and conversion applies not only to spouses but also to children. Children must respect their parents and remain committed to the family. Children do not have a right to treat their parents with disrespect. Respect, even in the face of parental imperfections, is crucial. Similarly, parents must show restraint, avoiding excessive demands or undue expectations on their children. As St. Paul says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up with the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, NABRE).
Finally, we mustn’t forget that it takes not only heat and pressure, but time to make a diamond. “Time” is presence. “Time” is being there. If a diamond does not ‘stay in’ the condition of heat and pressure, it will never be properly formed. Permanence is the condition in which spouses are perfected. Just as a diamond can drill through the muck and mire of the earth, a strong marriage can endure the trials of life. However, this only happens when both partners commit to staying in the game.
No one can stay married of their own power but, as Jesus says, “For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26, NABRE). The reason why a couple is on their knees before an altar on the day of their marriage is because they know that it is only through sacrifice they can persevere in love. Only with God’s grace can that sacrifice be sustained for a lifetime.
There is nothing more beautiful than a marriage that reflects the beauty and strength of a diamond. Marriage is a gift. Do whatever you need to do to save your marriage, help others save theirs, and uphold the dignity and beauty of this divine gift.
Father Jarrod Lies, Pastor